My child is gay

This page is a collaboratively written page to give parents advice on how to deal with a child coming out as gay, lesbian or bi.

First things first
The important thing to remember is: other parents have dealt with this. However difficult it feels to you to find out that your son or daughter is gay, lesbian or bi, it will get easier. There are parents who have gone from confused disgust to loving acceptance very quickly.

There are organisations that support parents who have found out that their children are gay: see PFLAG (in the United States) and FFLAG (in the United Kingdom) for instance.

Understand
For most lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans (LGBT) people, the act of coming out can be traumatic or at least problematic. Nobody particularly looks forward to doing it.

The reason it is necessary to do so is out of honesty. Most people do not wish to live their life as a lie. Even if you are the most awesome, liberal, accepting cool parents, it'll still take courage for most people to come out to their parents.

Some people are confused, questioning or unsure about their sexuality. Usually though, by the time they are telling their parents, they are fairly sure. Them telling you that they are gay or lesbian isn't a set-in-stone contract: it might be that they are mistaken (they might be bi even though they are telling you they are gay, or vice versa, for example). But that doesn't mean you should dismiss it as "just a phase", even if it turns out to be. For a lot of LGBT people, they've had the feeling of being different from all the other kids for a long time—some for their entire adolescence, some from much earlier than that.

Things to do

 * When your child comes out, tell your child that you are thankful that they came out to you.
 * It may seem obvious, but explain to your child that you love them and will always love them and want what is best for them.
 * Be supportive: if they are concerned or worried, help them with whatever it is that is causing them concern. For many gay young people, the whole world seems scary: school, work, their future. Make sure that their home life isn't one of the things causing them stress or concern.
 * Learn a little bit about LGBT history, culture and political struggle. Other minority groups may face discrimination in school or the workplace, but at least at home, that person's ethnic and religious background is affirmed by their parents. LGBT kids don't get that support because their parents likely don't understand: you won't understand what it's like to be LGBT, but knowing the struggles other LGBT people have gone through can help you empathise with what your child feels.

Things not to do

 * Don't tell them that it "doesn't matter" to them: you are trying to reassure them that it doesn't make them a lesser person for being gay, but you send a contrary signal by saying it—you are implicitly saying to the child that them revealing an important part of their identity to you which they may have had to keep hidden for many years "doesn't matter". And it should matter: they want to live honestly, sincerely and openly about their life including their sexuality. That does matter, and it's a good thing. Tell them that.
 * Understand that being lesbian, gay or bi is not a "phase".
 * Don't use the term "lifestyle". People don't choose to be gay any more than they choose to be left-handed.
 * Demand to know intimate details of your child's relationships. Tell them that if they get a girlfriend or a boyfriend in the future, they'd love to meet them, but don't pressure them into revealing previous relationships or sexual experiences.
 * Don't snoop: being gay is no justification for you to invade their privacy.

FAQ

 * Does this mean I've done something wrong?
 * No. The current consensus of contemporary science is people's sexual orientations is fixed before birth—some combination of genetics and conditions in the womb. That you have a child who has turned out to be gay isn't something that you've done wrong because it's not wrong that they are gay. You wouldn't blame yourself if you had a left-handed child or your child was a bit taller than average or grew up to be a vegetarian. Nobody is at fault because there's nothing wrong.


 * They are telling me they are gay just to irritate me and rile me up.
 * They really aren't. It is highly improbable. When someone comes out to their parents, they usually feel a huge amount of anxiety, fear and sometimes dread, even if they know that their parents are going to be cool with it. They may have come out to you as a form of spite, sure. But they are very unlikely to be lying. Even if they are, if you react in a kind and loving way, you'll be supporting them if they are for real, and not rising to their attempt to rile them if they aren't. Either way: kindness, compassion and acceptance are the only answers,


 * But aren't gay people lonely and promiscuous? I don't want my child to have an unhappy life.
 * The unhappiness that gay people have faced over the years has mostly been a reaction to the discrimination and hatred they have faced. When society thinks that you have no value, you may come to conclude that you indeed don't have any value. It is the case that in some places, LGBT people are more likely to be unhappy, to abuse drink or drugs, to have random promiscuous sex and to engage in self-destructive behaviour. The best way to protect against that is to have a strong social support network and to have loving family members who care for them. There are problems in the LGBT community in terms of drink and drug abuse, and HIV/AIDS is still a major and rising concern. The way to deal with that is to try and teach your gay children self-respect and to care for one another, to give them a solid foundation in love and understanding.


 * But what about marriage and grand kids?
 * Love your children for who they are, not who they aren't. If you've got a child who is gay or lesbian, then the way they'll be happy isn't to get into a straight relationship. They aren't going to suddenly start finding opposite sex partners attractive. There have been people who have suppressed their homosexuality and ended up in heterosexual marriages because they felt they had to follow the path society laid out for them. This is only going to end in misery: at best, they'll just end up living their life in a loveless sham of a marriage. At worst, they'll end up causing heartache and harm to any children they have when the sham comes tumbling down.
 * As for marriage: it's coming. Over the next few years, same-sex marriage will be coming to more countries and more states in the U.S. Gay and lesbian couples will start having more access to adoption and fertilisation services.
 * Ultimately it's up to your son or daughter to decide. Even if they were straight, that's no guarantee that they'll want to get married or to have kids. The important thing is that they are happy with the relationships they end up with in life, and for you to be happy for them regardless of what they end up doing.


 * They never gave any hint that they were gay. They've always acted like a boy/girl.
 * Stereotypes are just that. There are some parents who will say "I always knew", usually on the basis of gender non-conforming behaviour—boys playing with girls toys or taking an interest in girly things or acting effeminate, girls being tomboys or being into sports etc. But that's not a solid guarantee of anything. Some children will be gender non-conforming as children and grow up to be straight. Others will be gender conforming and grow up to be gay. Some will end up being transgender, and the signs that stereotypically led people to concluding that a child was gay shows instead that they are trans. Their gender performance and behaviour may give you some hints, but gender and sexuality is more complex than the narrow stereotyped boxes the world gives us.


 * Who should I tell?
 * That's up to your child to decide. They probably won't have told you first. They may have told a sibling or a friend or another adult first. This isn't because they don't trust you, but because they wanted to sound someone out first. Coming out is hard even with supportive awesome parents. You should encourage your child to try and live as openly as they possibly can—there have been studies showing that being out hugely improves their chances of living happily. Those who have come out later in life have said that the difference between being closeted and out is enormous for their feeling of self-worth and happiness. So encourage them to be out if you can. But coming out is hard. If they want to take it slowly or not tell specific people, listen to their decision. Never out them without their prior consent. If they do give you consent, try to treat it like any other aspect of their life.


 * What do my gay children want?
 * They want the same thing any child or teenager really wants from parents: unconditional love, acceptance, compassion, understanding, someone who will help them, support them, cheer them on to triumph, comfort them when the world doesn't go their way. Being gay or lesbian or bisexual doesn't and shouldn't change any of that.

Therapy and "ex-gay"
Don't cart your child off to "gay conversion" therapy or "ex-gay" groups. They are an expensive scam: they don't work, and they'll make your kid feel terrible.

You can't just decide not be gay if you are. The most that these therapies do is suppress someone's sexual desires. They don't make gay people turn straight. They just try to train gay people into suppressing their natural attractions to the same sex. The end result of this is misery. They may be able to "fake" attraction for an opposite-sex partner, and some "ex-gay" people have gone on to get married and have children with opposite-sex partners. But usually it ends up tumbling down: the same-sex attraction does not fade.

What would you rather have? A gay son or daughter that is secure and happy in their sexuality who finds a loving and caring partner or a son or daughter that is made to feel terrible about their sexuality, suppresses it, gets into a sham marriage with an opposite sex partner who he doesn't actually feel any attraction for, have children, then sneak around having gay relationships on the side? If you have any respect for your children, don't send them to these kinds of "therapy" programs.

If your child is struggling with accepting their own sexuality, therapy may be useful. But the sort of therapy that may help is one that will treat their being gay not as a cause of any problems they are facing. No major psychological or psychiatric professional body believes that being gay is a disorder or problem. Look for "gay-affirmative" or "LGBT affirmative" professionals rather than "ex-gay" quacks.